I have been privileged to attend the weddings of two women I love dearly this week. Both weddings were in churches, and I found myself bowing my head to pray, reciting the Lord’s prayer, and seriously wondering where in the world I stand (or maybe kneel) when it comes to faith.

My parents’ families are deeply devout. My Christian roots go back about as far as is possible. When I was a child, make-believe play at my grandmother’s house often consisted of aluminum pie tins filled with saltines and cups of grape juice so that we could play church in the back yard, surrounded by the ripe smell of the grapes on her vines (to her credit, I was allowed to preach and pass the communion just like my brothers). I spent years of summers happily climbing the red dusty hills of Camp Pettijohn Springs, and went to a church university.

Travis spent seven years in youth ministry. I have such conflicted feelings about that. We met some beautiful people in those years, but I also patched up an emotionally battered husband more times that can be understood except by anyone who has been married to a minister. We finally left ministry in 1999, and though it was under duress, it really was a blessing.

I have spent the last thirteen years redefining my faith. I still do not have much wisdom, but what I do believe is this:

God is real.

God is not defined only as Father, but equally as Mother.

God is in the wind, the rain, the sun, and the moon.

God is neither American nor Republican.

God can be found in church, but not exclusively.

God has shown me love.

I am honestly not sure what the next step in my faith journey is. I am grateful that God, as I understand Her, is not bound by time. I am also grateful that I no longer live in fear of His wrath (see how I am being gender equal !?!) My aunts Jan and Diana assured me way back in 2004 that God would stick with me as long as it might take for me to reach peace. Thank God for that.

May She bless you in all your walks.

4 thoughts on “Faith?

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  1. I’m crying as I read this, Kim. God fights for your heart… Churches (we as humans) can make a simple, beautiful love story complex and sometimes I do feel like running from “church.” But God will not let go.

  2. Nice blog! As a PK, I have been preached to about FAITH and doctrine my whole life. Yet, those same people that my dad ministered to him turned on him horribly. I can honestly say that this is when I lost my faith. Not in GOd, but in His people and in the body and workings of the church. I still go, but everything is by rote…there is no joy in service. I know that He doesn’t like this, and that I should let things go, but I just can’t. I also find myself supporting lifestyles that my church says are sinful and wrong. I don’t know if I will ever get back to my faith, and sometimes I wonder if I even care. So I know where you are coming from in speaking of emotionally battered husband….been there with my own father and mother. I will continue believing in God, but as for faith? hmmmmmmm that is something else entirely!

  3. I really want you to get the book, “So you Don’t Want to go to Church Anymore.” You will be surprised! Love ya

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